closed for reconstrucion!
by AlbinoF0x
Summary: After being read an extensive list of rules of the Hogwarts underground, Tom Riddle will venture into Hogwarts with only one thing in mind: seduce the golden boy to the dark side, and get into his pants. 546 rules. 546 chappies. crackhead story! HP/LV


woot! finally i figured out what to do with this idea! thanks to you DEEPER THAN DARKNESS for ur superb imagination! your comment has inspired me at long last!!!

DISCLAIMER: i dont own anything but the plot and a few of these rules! im not smart enough to come up with them...but i am making a crack chappie for each and every one of them! XDDD

alright the prologue

* * *

PROLOGUE: reader of the rules.

"Alright My Lord, are we ready?" a lucious and luxurious blonde places a pair of golden rimmed reading glasses to his nose and places a rather thick scroll on the sesk at which he sat.

"i suppose... if I must"

The Hogwarts Underground. By: Lucius Abraxas Malfoy

_A brief look at some of the more vital-to-survival rules and regulations of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry._

#419 Do not take out a life insurance policy on any **DADA professor**.

#427 "**Make like a ferret and bounce**." is not to be said to Draco Malfoy.

#382 The quickest way to** die **in the Harry Potter (AKA: real) universe: call Severus Snape "Princess Silvermoon FairyWing Glimmer McSparkles"

#406 You are not to poison the first years. That is **Snape's** job.

#1 Percy wouldn't recognize a joke if it danced **naked** in front of him wearing Dobby's tea cozy.

#349 Do not give Professor McGonagall **catnip** for X-mass.

#383 Robes are NOT **optional**.

#23 "OMGWTF!" is **not** a spell.

#15 Do NOT tell Peeves about the existance of **paintballing**.

#361 You may not "**walk on water**" in front of muggles.

#277 You are NOT "**Off to see the Wizard**" when going to the headmasters office.

#299 Dumbledore is **not** your personal **Jesus**. That title belongs to ME, **Lucius Malfoy**.

#306 I am **not** Voldemorts illegitimate child!

#256 You will not charm the golden snitch to **fly up** the nearest Quidditch fan's nose.

#252 Do not dare first year students to eat bugs of any sort. **They will do it**.

#234 Astronomy class will not get you **abducted by aliens**. (though I can't say the same for Divination.)

#215 The **time turner** is not a "Flux Capacitator".

#213 I am not anyone's **SUGAR** **DADDY**!

#189 ** Portable swamps** are not funny.

#18 You will not** shave **Mrs. Norris (no matter how much that blasted demon cat deserves it).

#16 The giant squid** is in fact**, the **perfect date** to the yule ball (for Moaning Myrtle).

#90 **Chemestry** and **Potions** do not mix.

#146 The Prefects Bathtub is not a **snorkeling tank**.

#155 You cannot use Accio as "**The Force**".

#162 Professor McGonagall and Mrs. Norris are not **fucking**.

#166 Do not tell Professor Trelawney that you **prophesized her death**.

#172 You will not dye your Death Eater Robes **pink**.

#109 Dumblefuck is not **Santa**.

#110 **House Elf Stew** is not and never will be on the Hogwarts menu. So STOP ASKING!

#120 You will refrain from threatening the Fat Lady with "DIP". (Whatever the hell that is…)

#141 You will not refer to a DADA Professor as a "**Canary in a coal mine**".

#125 There is no **BRING A MUGGLE TO SCHOOL** day.

#142 Never say "**_Dude_**, **Get a life**" to The Dark Lord.

#147 You will not refer to Professor Lupin as "**Nice Doggie"**.

#179 Unless you want to **suck on something less pleasant**, do not suck on lollypops in Snapes class.

#180 You will not charm your **vegetables** to act like **bludgers**.

******

"Wait! Wait!! Wait!!!" A teenage sex god held up a hand to Lucius, who was reading this list off one by one, his eyes practically bugging out from efforts not to laugh. "Vegetable _bludgers_?!?!? What sort of boloxing buggery are you reading me?!?!" he scowled at the blonde sugar daddy, who lifted an eyebrow. "And what is all this nonsense about YOU being MY personal Jesus?!!?" he practically shrieked. "I AM JESUS!!!!"

"My Lord…" Lucius pressed his reading glasses to the bridge of his nose, coyly. "I have no control over the results of the yearly survey of rules and regulations of the Hogwarts student underground. It is not my fault that everyone sees me as a god on earth."

"But…but…" Voldemort pouted his newly acquired, plump and kissable lips crossed his arms and slumped slovenly in his seat. "Gah! Fine! Carry on!" once more Lucius raised an eyebrow at his master. If his Lord acted like this all the time he would have no problem blending in with the other fifth year Slytherin's whilst he took out his plans to seduce potter.

"As you wish My Lord." With that he readied to continue down the list of rules.

"And read them in order this time! No more hippity hopping about the list! It confuses the hell out of me!" Voldemort spat, his fuchsia eyes glowering childishly and Lucius once more began to read the list, this time in order.

I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are "covered in bees".

2. No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.

3. "I've heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge.

4. Putting up Doug Henning posters in Filch's office is not appropriate.

5. I will not go to class skyclad.

6. The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.

7. I will not use Umbridge's quill to write, "I told you I was hardcore".

8. I will stop referring to showering as "giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful".

9. I will not insist the house elves serve fried snake to the Slytherins.

10. If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.

11. House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.

12. Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year's Defense Against Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever moneymaking concept.

13. Seamus Finnegan is not "after me Lucky Charms".

14. I will not refer to the Weasley twins as "bookends".

15. I will not tye-dye all of the owls.

16. I will not reenact Harry Potter Puppet Pals in the Great Hall

17. Or anywhere else for that matter.

18. I will not shave Mrs. Norris.

19. I will not refer to the Patil twins as "bookends".

20. I will not write all my essays in red ink claiming it is blood.

21. I will not ask Lupin if it his time of the month.

22. I will not provide Luna Lovegood with Coast to Coast AM transcripts.

23. I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.

24. I am not allowed to tell Hufflepuffs there is no Santa Clause.

25. I am not allowed to refer to myself as the New Dark Lord.

26. I am not a sloth Animagus.

27. I am not allowed to steal Professor Flitwicks wand, hold it over my head and laugh as he tries to reach it.

28. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or pirahna.

29. I do not weight the same as a duck.

30. Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.

31. I am not allowed to wear death eater robes to dinner and shout Long live Lord Voldemort because I think its funny.

32. I will not kiss Trevor.

33. I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.

34. Skiving Snackboxes are not a suitable gift for first-years.

35. Any resemblance between Dementors and Nazgul is coincidental.

36. I am not allowed to sneak into Professor Snapes private chambers to watch him sing I Will Survive in the mirror, as it is disturbing.

37. I will not mock Dumbledore with exaggerated limb movements.

38. I am not allowed to draw a smiley face on my arm and tell everyone its the new Dark Mark.

39. Asking "How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?" and walking away is only funny the first time.

40. I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.

41. I will not insist that the trees in the Forbidden Forest are Ent wives.

42. It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.

43. It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.

44. I am not to Owl copies of the Evil Overlord List to suspected Death Eaters.

45. I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.

46. I will stop asking when we will learn to make "Love Potion Number Nine".

47. I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.

48. I will not ask Ginny how to properly strangle a chicken.

49. If Ginny Weasley wanted to borrow my Darkover books, she would have said so already.

50. I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.

51. Sirius Black did not found the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation.

52. I will not draw an H on Percy Weasley's forehead.

53. Filch does not have a sister named Magenta.

54. I will refrain from wearing black leather gloves at all times and saying "Hogwarts is mother, Hogwarts is father".

55. Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab does not sell potions ingredients, and I will not resell their products as "Veela Pheremones".

56. I will not refer to the Slytherin dorms as "the Tremere chantry".

57. The Malfoys are not Draka.

58. Hogwarts does not have a student council. Even if it did, they would not wear the rose seal. Therefore I will cease going after the prefects with a sword.

59. Richard Upton Pickman did not paint The Fat Lady.

60. I will not refer to Umbridge as Queen of the Toads, even if she really is.

61. I will not sweep the Gryffindor common room with Harry Potter's prized Firebolt.

62. The Giant Squid has never made an appearance in any hentai film.

63. It is wrong to refer to Aragog as "Charlotte".

64. Professor Flitwick's first name in not Yoda.

65. I will not refer to the hippogriff as "Horseybird".

66. I am no longer allowed to use the words "pimp cane" in front of Draco Malfoy.

67. -Or any other Slytherin.

68. I will not "borrow" a prefects' badge for Peeves.

69. I am not the Defense Against the Boring Classes Professor.

70. -Nor am I the Care of Witches Underwear Professor.

71. -I am not a Professor, at all.

72. I will not replace Madam Pomfrey's Skele-Gro with pumpkin juice.

73. -I will not replace Professor Snape's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.

74. -It was not an honest mistake.

74. I will not swap Draco's broom with one out of Filch's broom cupboard.

76. I am no longer allowed in the student laundry.

77. -Or the teacher laundry.

78. Nor am I allowed to ever cast an Invisibility charm again.

79. While wand safety is an important issue, I am no longer allowed to distribute any pamphlet, which makes reference to Belinda the Buttless.

80. It is generally accepted that Cats and Dragons cannot interbreed and I should not attempt to disprove this theory, no matter how wicked the result would be.

81. I will not give any girl a one half of a set of two-way mirrors as a Christmas present.

82. -Especially if I don't tell her what it is.

83. Gryffindor courage does not come in bottles labeled firewhiskey.

84. -Charming the label does not change anything.

85. I am not allowed to eat Chocolate Frogs in Potions class.

86. -Even if I brought enough for everyone.

87. -Emptying a bag full of them onto Professor Snape's desk to prove this last is unacceptable behavior.

88. Peeves may not countermand any of my professors' or prefects' orders.

89. No matter what Professor Umbridge may tell me to the contrary, I am not authorized to form press gangs.

90. Chemistry and Potions don't mix.

91. -Testing this last is not funny.

92. Crucifixes do not ward off Slytherins, and I should not test that.

93. May not mock Professor Umbridge in front of the press.

94. I may not speak Latin in front of the books.

95. The proper way to report to Professor McGonagall is "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."

96. May not insinuate that all beautiful American exchange students to Gryffindor or Slytherin House in Harry Potter's Year are Lockhart's misbegotten heirs, even if it's true.

97. I am not possesed by the ghost of Lady MacBeth.

98. -Neither is The Fat Lady.

99. When someone accuses me of not wearing any drawers, I should ignore them. Attempting to prove them wrong is indecent.

100. -Especially if I can't.

101. If someone's House Badge is green and mine is purple, it means they are in Slytherin House. It does not mean "The Sorting Hat thinks they're dumber than me."

102. Using the Engorgio charm on certain parts of the human anatomy is not permitted on the school grounds, not even for entertainment purposes.

103. Professor Snape does not enjoy being called "Snookums".

104. -Neither does he respond favorably to "Sev", "Snapey-Poo" or "Debbie".

105. First years are not to be fed to Fluffy.

106. Hagrid does not have relationships with magical creatures, and I should stop implying that he does.

107. I am not authorised to sell incriminating pictures of the faculty to students.

108. -Giving the same pictures out free of charge is also frowned upon.

109. Dumbledore is not Santa, he does not wish for me to sit on his knee and demand presents, especially not in June.

110. House Elf stew is not on the Hogwarts menu, neither is Niffler Curry, so I should stop asking.

111. A wand is for magic only; it is not for picking noses, playing snooker, or drumming on desks, no matter how bored I become.

112. It is inappropriate to slip sample bottles of Selsun Blue into Professor Snape's personal postbox.

113. I will stop referring to Hufflepuffs as "cannon fodder."

114. I will not impersonate the Swedish Chef in Potions class.

115. I will not greet Professor McGonagall with "What's new, pussycat?"

116. My headmaster's name is Albus Dumbledore, not "Gandalf."

117. Neville is not my valet.

118. When given a directive by my house prefect, I should not insist that "we don't need no stinking badges."

119. First-years should not be encouraged to befriend the Whomping Willow.

120. I will not threaten the Fat Lady with Dip.

121. House ghosts do not regularly "slime" anyone.

122. Novelty or holiday-themed ties are not to be worn with my school uniform.

123. There is no "open-mike night" at Hogwarts.

124. I will not use my socks to make hand puppets of the Slytherin house mascot.

125. There is no bring a muggle to school day.

126.-And I should stop insisting there is.

127. I should not ask Professor McGonagall if, while in cat form, she has ever coughed up a hairball.

128. I must not spread rumors that Lucius Malfoy is, was, or ever will be known in Death Eater circles as "Dobby's Homeboy."

129. The fact that Draco Malfoy is short, blond, pale-eyed and rat-faced is no reason for me to tell the Slytherins that Peter Pettigrew should be paying Narcissa child support.

130. I will not say that Harry Potter's godfather has "taken the veil."

131. When fighting Death Eaters in the annual June battle of Good v. Evil, I will not lift my wand skyward and shout, "There can be only ONE!"

132. I will not refer to any Death Eaters as "Trixie."

133. -Even if it is a legitimate nickname.

134. I will not tell the Muggleborn first-years that the Forbidden Forest's real name is Mirkwood.

135. I must not start a "Veterinarian for Minister of Magic" campaign.

136. I am not to conjure the words "DRINK ME" onto the vial of any potion in Snape's classroom.

137. I should not tell anyone that Dean Thomas's nickname is John.

138. I will not go to any fundamentalist websites and argue that Voldemort is a direct contradiction of the concept of "intelligent design."

139. The next time that I see Rita Skeeter, I am not to threaten her with a can of Raid.

140. Should I chance to see a Death Eater wearing a white mask, I should not start singing anything from "Phantom of the Opera."

141. I should not refer to DADA professors as "canaries in the coal mine."

142. I will not say the phrase "Dude, get a life." to Lord Voldemort.

143. I will not put books of muggle fairy tales in the history section of the library.

144. I will not send pictures of magical creatures to the Weekly World News.

145. I will not cover myself in ectoplasm and walk out of a fireplace, saying I took the "Flu Network".

146. I will not refer to "The Grim" as a nice doggy.

147. -I will not refer to Professor Lupin as a nice doggy.

148. I will not ask Professor Sprout where the Jolly Green Giant is.

149. I will not subvert the lock on the fourth-floor girls' bathroom and sell its location to first-years as "The Chamber of Secrets".

150. I am not permitted to utter the line: "Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a ___ out of my hat!" during Charms class.

151. There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.

152. When applying for a post at the Ministry of Magic after graduation, I should not cite "Fred and George Weasley" as my greatest influence at Hogwarts."

153. "Putting down Lord Voldemort" is probably not best either.

154. I am not allowed to ink my owl's feet, have it walk across a parchment, and sell the result as cheat sheets for Ancient Runes, even though Crabbe and Goyle keep falling for it.

155. I will not refer to the Accio charm as "The Force".

156. I will no longer wear a hood, walk up to Harry, and claim to be his real mother.

157. I will not enchant the telescopes on the Astronomy Tower to display non-existent constellations during O.W.L. exams.

158. Albus Dumbledore's proper title is "Headmaster", not "My Liege".

159. A Muggle "vacuum cleaner" is not acceptable Quidditch equipment, even if it has been enchanted to fly.

160. Hogsmeade village is not "a wretched hive of scum and villainy."

161. Sending rings to the nine senior faculty at Yuletide, with the return address "Voldemort", is not funny.

162. Professor McGonagall does not have an inappropriate relationship with Mrs. Norris.

163. I will not create a pin-up calendar of the Slytherin girls and call it "Voldie's Angels".

164. Professor Flitwick has heard all the "swish and flick" jokes before, and is very, very tired of them.

165. I will not send Professor Snape toothpaste and shampoo for Christmas.

166. I will not tell Professor Trelawney that I prophesied her death.

167. I will also not tell Professor Trelawney that I had a vision of her killing the Dark Lord.

168. I will not refer to Professor McGonagall as Catwoman, no matter how funny she would look in tight leather.

169. -Nor will I ask her if she is Catwoman in disguise.

170. I am not to ask if Lord Voldemort is secretly Hitler or Osama bin Laden.

171. I will not use Slytherin and Gryffindor first years as Christmas decorations.

172. I will not die the Death Eaters robes pink.

173. Humming/singing/referring in any way to Duran Duran's "Hungry Like the Wolf" around Professor Lupin is inappropriate. It's best not to bring up "Thriller", either.

174. Insisting that the school acquire computers and network the buildings is a pointless request as they claim that a quill and parchment is sufficient.

175. Calling the Ghostbusters is a cruel joke to play on the resident ghosts and poltergeists.

176. Taking red paint and writing creepy messages on the walls is not funny, either.

177. If asked in class what the Avada Kedavra curse does, yelling "It does DEATH!" may be correct but is not the manner in which one should answer.

178. Not allowed out of my dorm when visitors from the Ministry are here.

179. I am not allowed to eat lollipops within Professor Snape's sight ever again.

180. I will never again use the spell used to enchant bludgers on peas.

181. -Or tomatoes, plums, oranges, or any other food item. Or any other item that is not a Bludger.

182. I may not have a private army.

183. -Not even if it technically belongs to someone else.

184. I should not encourage the house-elves to unionize.

185. I must stop referring to the professors by the embarrassing nicknames they acquired in their school days.

186. I must not substitute chocolate-flavored laxative for Professor Lupin's prescription-strength chocolate.

187. Nor am I to in any way substitute, alter, hide, or otherwise tamper with Professor Dumbledore's candy.

188. "Y'all check this-here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that you are about to perform an experimental spell.

189. Portable Swamps are not funny.

190. Revel fires are to be danced around. It is not appropriate to dispose of old love letters or other sensitive documents in them.

191. Bubotubers are not filled with tasty honey, and it is wrong to tell First Years that they are.

192. Ravenclaws do not find a sign saying, "The library is closed for an indefinite time period" amusing in any sense.

193. Mad-Eye Moody knows his eye is creepy, he does not need to be told... again.

194. Stealing first-years' clothing and then tossing it into and around the whomping willow is highly frowned at.

195. Mrs. Norris does not like playing with blast-ended skrewts.

196. Sneaking slugs into Ron's food is not funny. He does not like being reminded of his incident.

197. Trying to out-argue a Slytherin will lead to no good.

198. Despite popular belief, Hufflepuffs are not soft and squishy. Do not treat them as such.

199. I am not the wicked witch of the west.

200. -I will not refer to Professor Umbridge as such either.

201. I will not melt if water is poured over me.

202. -Neither will Professor Umbridge.

203. I do not have a Cyberman Patronus.

204. I am not a Wirn animagus, either.

205. I will not ask Aragog if he came from Metabelis III.

206. -Or if he has any pretty blue crystals.

207. "Nessie is actually a cyborg created by the Zygons" is not an appropriate thing to say in Care of Magical Creatures Class.

208. While it is appropriate to refer to Voldemort as "Master" while in his service, Voldemort and The Master are not one and the same.

209. I cannot substitute Prydonian robes for my Hogwarts uniform.

210. -Nor can my winter scarf be longer than standard issue.

211. I cannot attempt to recreate the Key to Time in Transfiguration class.

212. -Or transform a pepperpot into a Dalek.

213. Lucius Malfoy is not my "sugar daddy" and I will not claim he is.

214. -That goes double when Draco Malfoy is within earshot.

215. A time turner is not a flux capacitator, and I should therefore not install one in any Muggle car (especially a Delorean DMC).

216. "To conquer the earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not an appropriate career choice.

217. I will not levitate anywhere in a big pink bubble.

218. My professors have neither the time, nor the inclination to hear about what I did with six boxes of Sugar Quills.

219. No part of the school uniform is edible.

220. -Not allowed to make any part of the school uniform edible.

221. Not allowed to take house points from firsties for "being too goddamned short".

222. Never, ever, attempt to correct Professor Moody about anything.

223. I must not refer to Headmaster Dumbledore as "Mum".

224. -Nor Professor Snape.

225. Not allowed to use silencing charms on my Professors.

226. -Not allowed to use silencing charms my Prefects.

227. -Not allowed to use silencing charms, period.

228. Not allowed to prophesize the end of the world more than once.

229. Will not offer to sell Hagrid new creatures.

230. -Especially not if I actually have them.

231. Madame Hooch's name is just that, a name. Will not ask her to share.

232. -Also will not ask her to fly under the influence.

233. Will not try to recreate the Whomping Willow in herbology class.

234. Astronomy class will not cause me to be abducted by aliens.

235. Will not charm Hermione's time turner to rotate every half-hour.

236. If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for longer than 15 seconds, I am to assume that I am not allowed to do it.

237. I am not allowed to charm the words Ferret Boy onto Dracos forehead.

238. I will not sell tickets to get into the Chamber of Secrets.

239. -Especially if it is only a one-way ticket.

240. Singing 99 Bottles of Potion on the wall nonstop repeatedly will result in a detention.

241. Playgirl and Playboy are not on the reading list for muggle studies.

242. Woad and other camoflage/body paints are not needed for DADA.

243. I may not challenge prefects to Meet me on the Quidditch field, at dawn.

244. I shouldn't throw Fanged-Frisbees in the Great Hall.

245. I shouldn't use Photoshop to create incriminating photos of my house prefects or tutors.

246. I should not confess to crimes that took place before I was born, even if I have access to a time turner.

247. I should not show up at the front gate wearing part of another houses uniform, messily drunk.

248. -Even if my prefect did it.

249. I will not only wear "Wizard hat, open robe & tie" and call it an authorized uniform.

250. Teaching exchange students to taunt other Hufflepuffs is not nice.

251. When detained by dementors, I do not have a right to a strip search.

252. Do not dare first years to eat bugs. They will always do it.

253. I will not refer to McGonagall as "the cat-girl."

254. - Nor will I attempt to stop her transformation part way through.

255. - The same goes for Hermione.

256. I will not hand red shirts to the new DADA professor and claim that they're the standard uniform for the position.

257. I will not use invisibility charms on anyones clothing.

258. I will not enchant the Golden Snitch to fly up the nearest fan's nose.

259. I do not know the Avada Kedavra curse, and pretending I do to people who annoy me is not funny, no matter how much they injure themselves diving for cover.

260. I will not test my Potions assigments by spiking Snape's drink with them.

261. - Especially not all of them at once.

262. I will not try to hock off my old piercings as "priceless Muggle artifacts."

263. I will not claim my X-Files tapes are "Auror Training Videos."

264. It doesn't matter if he is going on vacation; I will not comment about how the Minister of Magic is "packing."

265. The Giant Squid is not to be referred to as 'my lord Cthulhu', nor am I allowed to sacrifice first years to it on the new moon.

266. I will not attempt to set up a mobile phone mast on the Astronomy Tower.

267. - Likewise the satellite dish.

268. The Slytherin Gift to Virgins is fictional, and I should not be asking Draco Malfoy or any of the other Slytherin boys if they've mastered it yet.

269. The Muggle known as George W. Bush is not related to or working for Lord Voldemort in any way, and I am to stop insinuating that he is.

270. I will stop sending Professor Snape forged love notes that appear to be from Professor Lupin.

271. I will stop asking Professor Lupin exactly what goes on between him and Professor Snape when he brings him the Wolfsbane potion every month.

272. Luna Lovegood does not have pointed ears, nor is she to be addressed as 'Galadriel'.

273. Lucius Malfoy also does not have pointed ears, nor is he to be addressed as 'Haldir'.

274. Professor Snape definitely does not have pointed ears, and under no circumstances is he to be addressed as 'Spock'.

275. I will stop substituting Professor Lupin's Wolfsbane with Polyjuice Potion containing hairs from Mrs. Norris.

276. I am not to stare at the Great Hall ceiling during dinner in the winter and cry 'My god, it's full of stars!'

277. I am not to sing 'We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Oz!' when sent to the Headmaster's office'.

278. - I am definitely not to sing it accompanied by the house elves acting as a backing group.

279. -Especially not with kazoos.

280. The research and manufacture of mind-altering substances will not gain me extra credit in Potions.

281. I am not able to see the Grim Reaper, nor am I to claim that he is standing by the Headmaster, tapping an hourglass and looking at him impatiently. Or, for that matter, Harry Potter.

282. When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce 'These are not the droids you are looking for'.

283. Thestrals do not resemble the Muggle toys known as 'My Little Pony'.

284. I am not to hold my wand in the air before casting spells and shout 'I... GOT... THE... POWER!'

285. I am not a Vampire Slayer and Professor Lupin is not my Watcher.

286. -I am not to attempt to stake Professor Snape.

287. When Death Eaters are attacking Hogsmeade, I shall not point at the Dark Mark and shout 'To the Batmobile, Robin!'

288. - Or 'Thunder, Thunder, Thunder, THUNDERCATS, HO!'

289. Professor Flitwick is not to be referred to as the 'Dungeon Master'.

290. I will not try to convert my housemates to Christianity.

291. -Or Wicca.

292. -This does not mean that my religious rights are being violated.

293. I am not allowed to hit Bludgers at spectators.

294. -Or the referee.

295. I will not commit crimes and then say I was under the Imperius curse.

296. I will not insult people and then say I was given Veritaserum.

297. -I will not give people Veritaserum.

298. The four Houses are not the Morons, the Borons, the Smartasses and the Junior Death Eaters.

299. Albus Dumbledore is not my personal Jesus.

300. -Neither is Professor Snape.

301. I am not authorized to negotiate a peace treaty with Voldemort.

302. The house elves are not there to do my homework.

303. Neither are the ghosts.

304. I am not a magical creature.

305. I am not the reincarnation of Merlin.

306. I am not Voldemort's illegitimate love child.

307. Professor Snape did not kill my father and does not deserve to die.

308. Seamus Finnegan does not have a pot of gold under his bed.

309. -Or under his robe.

310. I will not follow potion instructions in reverse order 'to see what happens'.

311. Grindewald is not my role model.

312. -Neither is Voldemort.

313. I will not cast "Petrificus Totalus" on myself in order to avoid going to classes.

314. I am not allowed to Accio the clothing of any person while they are wearing it.

315. -Including my own.

316. I am not allowed to organize a witch burning, even if I have been assigned to do a presentation on Muggle history in my Muggle Studies class.

317. I will not accept anything edible from a Weasley.

318. "All's fair in love and war" is not an official rule of Hogwarts.

319. I will not attempt to confuse Crabbe and Goyle by calling them by each other's names.

320. I will not attempt to make Professor's Trelawney's predictions come true.

321. Professor Snape's problem is not that "he needs to get laid".

322. Draco Malfoy is not a ferret animagus.

323. Despite my personal beliefs, Quidditch would not improved by the introduction of muggle firearms.

324. -Though they are doubtlessly more athletic, battle-axes are not acceptable either.

325. Even if I myself to do not believe in it, I will respect that the school observes daylight savings time.

326. Providing Peeves with a case of dungbombs was a socially irresponsible action, and I will not do it again.

327. Shouting random Latin phrases while waving my wand is not acceptable charms research.

328. Regardless of how much Professor Snape's hair might annoy me, it is inappropriate to sneak into his room at night and shave it off.

329. -Likewise, it is unkind to make the aforementioned hair into a wig and wear it to potions class.

330. -Nobody cares that it makes me feel "pretty".

331. Robes are appropriate school wear. Bathrobes are not.

332. Hogwarts does not require a karaoke machine.

333. I will not claim there is a prequel to Hogwarts, A History that explains about Bilbo Baggins.

334. I will not use the Marauder's Map for stalking purposes.

335. "OMGWTF" is not a spell.

336. Cornelius Fudge does not appreciate being called "Fudgie the Whale."

337. Shouting "Accio Dobby!" is not the proper way to get house-elf assistance.

338. I will not go into Dumbledore's pensieve looking for graphic faculty smut.

339. It is not necessary for me to yell "BURN!" every time Snape takes points away from Gryffindor.

340. "Defying my will" is not a crime worthy of life in Azkaban, and I should not tell that to the first-years.

341. The fact that there are only three unforgivable curses does not mean that every other curse is "pretty much forgivable".

342. I will not, under any circumstances, ask Harry Potter who died and made him boss.

343. I am not allowed to introduce Peeves to paintballing.

344. I am not allowed to scare the first-years by screaming "I'm melting! I'm meeeeeeeeeeeltiiing!" while they are in the showers.

345. I am not allowed to forget my Omnioculars in either the boys' or the girl's bathroom. Especially not while they are in recording mode.

346. I am not allowed to leave the catnip out in Professor McGonagall's class.

347. I will not speak to Professor Snape with a Transylvanian accent.

348. I am not allowed to ask Professor Dumbledore if the size of his beard is "compensating for something".

349. I will not give Professor McGonagall catnip, hairball medicine or string for Christmas, no matter how much I think she will like them.

350. I will not cast the occasional Oblivate spell on Dumbledore. Even if it would be amusing.

351. -Not even if I want to try to convince others he's going senile.

352. I will not ask if Professor Lupin has had all his shots, such as rabies. Nor will I ask it of Professor McGonagall.

353. I will not start a rumor saying that Professor Snape sings "I'm too sexy for my robes" while showering. Or for that matter doing any other activity.

354. Enchanting the Sorting Hat to sort new students into the House of Martok, or any other Klingon house is forbidden.

355. Telling people that Professor Snape is an animagus and turns into a snake is not recommended.

356. Please do not tell first years that the fried chicken is really Kentucky Fried Owl.

357. I will not get a muggle tattoo artist to tattoo the Dark Mark on any part of my body.

358. I will not tell first year Hufflepuffs that the Dark Lord eats Hufflepuffs for breakfast. Or any other meal. And then tell them that if they inform anyone of the warning the Dark Lord will choose them next.

359. Singing "Wild Thing, you make my heart sing" whenever you see Professor Lupin is not allowed, even though he likes it.

360. Please stop telling first years about the time the Hogwarts Christmas tree ate a student.

361. I am not to "walk on water" in front of muggles.

362. I will not compel Seamus Finnegan to pursue people asking them for their Lucky Charms.

363. I am not to tell Sir Cadogan that the Knights of Ni have challenged him to a duel and then have my friends/other people to call Ni from various directions.

364. Draco Malfoy is not a vampire.

365. -Especially not a vampire named 'Spike'.

366. Watching "The Food Network" is not equivalent to sitting NEWT-level Potions classes.

367. Pinning Confederate flags to the backs of Death Eater masks is not wise.

368. Voldemort does not wish to appear in a Visine commercial.

369. -Or as the 'before' for a line of cosmetics.

370. Hogwarts is in the UK, thus the United States Constitution does not apply to any of its students. Therefore, "Avada Kedavra" does not fall under First Amendment freedom of speech rights.

371. The ceiling of the Great Hall would not look better as an Omni IMAX dome.

372. Calling Voldemort "Baldemort" is inappropriate.

373. When called upon in class, I shall not insist that the correct answer to everything is "42".

374. I will not create a betting pool on that Voldemort is Harry Potter's father.

375. Asking Professor Snape if a house ever fell on his sister is wrong.

376. -So is asking him where he keeps his flying monkeys and if I could touch them.

377. Headmaster Dumbledore is of no relation to Willy Wonka.

378. I cannot be a Heffalump animagus.

379. Cannot lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and take bets on which house will come out alive.

380. Mr. Weasley's flying car is not to be taken apart piece by piece and rebuilt inside Snape's classroom.

381. Cannot charm all dictionaries to have: "Gryffindor" as the definition of "gullible."

382. Professor Snape's proper given name is not Princess Silvermoon Fairywing GlimmerMcSparkles.

383. Robes are not optional.

384. Announcing "Remember: Save a broomstick! Ride a wizard!" is not an appropriate way to conclude a Quidditch match.

385. There is no such thing as the "Hufflepuff Marshmallow Man".

386. -Even if I do conjure him up.

387. Leaving mash notes signed "Your secret admirer, Harry" in Neville Longbottom's books is both unfunny and cruel.

388. I will not sing the "Beverly Hillbillies" theme song when the Weasley family passes by.

389. -Or the "Hee-Haw" theme song.

390. -Or "Eight is Enough".

391. Asking the Weasley twins, "So do you do everything together?" is ill advised.

392. Telling Lucius what he could do with his staff... is not advisable.

393. I will not ask the school to sponsor a break dancing crew.

394. Voldemort, after being defeated, did not get served.

395. Getting Colin Creevey drunk and steering him toward a sleeping Harry Potter is just a bad idea all around.

396. -Then using his camera to take incriminating photos is not nice.

397. Coming up behind Harry while he and Draco are glowering at each other and saying "Oh, go on and kiss him already!" is not funny.

398. -Even if Luna Lovegood does say, "Yes, I thought so too."

399. I am not a Balrog animagus.

400. The house never did fall on Professor Umbridge's sister, nor is she suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder as a result.

401. I may not try to find out if any of the owls are David Bowie in animagus form.

402. I will not ask people what their demons are.

403. I will not offer Professor McGonagall lasagna.

404. I will not tell the Ravenclaws that they're basically useless because Hogwart's smartest student is in another house.

405. I will not call Pizza Hut and ask them to deliver to the common room.

406. I will not poison first years. No matter how much I think they need it.

407. It is not appropriate trade first years between houses.

408. I will not tempt Ravenclaws with apples. I will also not say that the Slytherins have tempted other students with apples.

409. Frankenstein is not required reading for DADA classes.

410. -Neither is Dracula.

411. I will not try to explain the laws of physics, not even for the sake of argument.

412. If I even look like I might sing "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves" I will be Obliviated.

413. Using the "Petrificus Totalus" curse on Draco Malfoy and dumping him in the Gryffindor common room as a Christmas present to the House means you should watch your back until June.

414. -Especially if the Weasley twins were staying over break.

415. -If Lee Jordan was there too, you're going to need a bodyguard.

416. I will not claim to be able to see the Thestrals if I cannot.

417. -I will not tell first years that "any true wizard or witch" can see Thestrals, and that if they can't they "obviously aren't cut out for this school".

418. I am not to tell Muggleborn first-years that Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans taste better when one eats a whole handful simultaneously.

419. I will not take out a life insurance policy on any Hogwarts Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher.

420.I will not attempt to repel Dementors by covering myself in chocolate body paint.

421. I will not sneak up behind Draco and Harry while they are in their Staring Snarky Yelling Matches and yell, "SLASH SLASH SLASH! LET'S SEE SOME SLASH!"

422. I will not give Hagrid Poke'mon cards and convince him that they are real animals.

423. -Likewise, I will not tell first year Muggle-borns that Poke'mon battles are a part of the Care of Magical Creatures curriculum.

424. I am not qualified to perform exorcisms on Hogwarts ghosts, and attempting to do so will merely offend them.

425. Draco Malfoy is not the secret identity of "Ferret Boy".

426. Harry Potter and Ron Weasley are not the magical equivalent of "Batman and Robin".

427. Telling Draco Malfoy to "make like a ferret and bounce" is always a bad idea.

428. The Crucible is not summer reading for History of Magic, and I should not tell first years that it is.

429. "You might be a Pureblood if..." jokes will get me in trouble, especially in front of Slytherins.

430. I will not play the Darth Vader theme for Professor Snape.

431. - However, when Lucius Malfoy visits, I may play it.

432. The bludger is not a bowling ball, and Professor Snape is not a bowling pin. I will not attempt to prove otherwise.

433. If I insist on carrying out my plans of producing "Riddle-de-dee: The Voldemort Musical", I will do so under a nom-de-plume.

434. - I will not attempt to recruit the title character to play himself. Even if he looks good in tap shoes.

435. The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not "Rocky Horror".

436. -Transfiguring Draco Malfoy's uniform into a gold thong is inappropriate.

437. -Especially if he's wearing it.

438. Crabbe and Goyle should not be referred to as "Bulk and Skull". "Dumb and Dumber" is equally inappropriate.

439. -I should not refer to Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle collectively as "Team Rocket" either.

440. Comparing Draco Malfoy to Alex Krycek, Lindsay McDonald, Lex Luthor or any similar character is not an appropriate subject for a Muggle Studies essay.

441. I will not attempt to determine whether Malfoy is a natural blond.

442. Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle's first names are, respectively, Draco, Vincent and Gregory, not Larry, Darryl and Darryl.

443. The Slytherin Quidditch team should not be referred to as "Draco Malfoy and a moderate amount of cross-dressing".

444. -Even if that is an accurate description.

445. The song "Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead" is never, ever appropriate.

446. "Springtime for Voldemort" is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.

447. I am not allowed to spank others.

448. -Even if Malfoy liked it.

449. No matter how vast the uses and entertaining the results, I will not indulge in fun with duct tape.

450. -This goes double for superglue.

451. I am not to dance naked in the great hall.

452. -Or on the grounds.

453. -Generally, dancing naked is wrong.

454. Despite the appearances of the employees and the vaults, Gringotts is not the entrance to the Labyrinth.

455. -While in the company of goblins, I must not demand that I be taken to Jareth.

456. -Nor shall I tell them "You remind me of the babe."

457. Draco Malfoy no longer requires a nanny, nor does he need tucking in and "a bit of a cuddle" at bedtime.

458. - Not even if he insists that he does. And that his father has hired me to provide said service.

459. I am not to call Hogwarts "the most covert anti-Death Eater organization on the planet."

460. The Easter Bunny is not Jesus' Animagus form.

461. I am not allowed to ask Pureblood students things like, "If your parents got divorced, would they still be brother and sister?"

462. I am not allowed to discuss my theory that Voldemort is actually the second cousin of Sauron.

463. I will not tell first years that they should build a tree house in the Whomping Willow.

464. I will not write forged letters home to the parents of Muggleborn first years detailing the Satanic rituals they are learning.

465. I will not ask Dobby why he doesn't look more like Orlando Bloom.

466. - Nor will I ask him if he works for Santa Claus in the off-season.

467. I will not invite Professor Snape to a midnight showing of "The Rocky Horror Picture Show".

468. -The same goes double for Voldemort.

469. -Likewise, I will no longer be permitted to refer to Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange as Riff Raff and Magenta.

470. -Especially to their faces.

471. I will stop pasting happy face stickers on Lupin's office door.

472. Draco Malfoy does not appreciate being called 'Ferret Boy'

473. -Or 'The Blond Boy Wonder'

474. Hagrid's skin is not green and I should stop calling him 'The Jolly Green Giant.'

475. Sending love notes to Professor Snape and signing them "With Love, Draco Malfoy" is not appropriate.

476. -Neither is signing them with: "I had a great time last night, Argus Filch.".

477. Breaking into song during Potions class is not acceptable.

478. -Especially if the song is "I feel pretty, oh so pretty".

479. Or "I'm too sexy".

480. I am not a "ninja sent here by Lord Voldemort to destroy Harry Potter" and should stop shouting this at meal times.

481. Lucius Malfoy's cane is not a "pimp cane".

482. I must never sneak up behind Draco Malfoy and coo "How's my Blondie-Bear?"

483. Teaching first years to chorus in unison "The amazing bouncing ferret" whenever they hear the name Draco Malfoy is just wrong, funny, but wrong.

484. It's not tasteful to approach Cho wearing a shirt that says "All the good-looking ones die young" with a picture of Cedric Diggory on it.

485. I am not to tell Draco that I know all about his affair with Hermione Granger.

486. -Especially if it's not true.

487. -I also cannot sell the story to Rita Skeeter.

488. -Or owl Lucius, Narcissa, or Bellatrix with the imaginary details

489. A ferret is not a proper Christmas gift for Draco Malfoy.

490. -Asking Mad-Eye Moody to turn Malfoy back into a ferret so I could keep him as a pet was not appropriate, either.

491. -Giving Draco a bowl of ferret pellets with his dinner was not an act of kindness, nor was it funny.

492. Voldemort is not my homeboy.

493. No matter how creepy and abandoned some of the towers are, I will not find Johnny Depp with scissors for hands in any of them, and I should stop hoping for such an occurance.

494. Asking Harry how his parents are doing is just cruel.

495. Repeat: Draco and Harry are not secret lovers. Draco and Harry are not secret lovers.

496. Dont tell Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs that Lucius Malfoy goes around singing "Dance, Dark Lord, Dance".

497. I will not tell Ron and Hermione to get a room every time they start fighting, even if they want to.

498. -Nor will I say this to Harry and Snape.

499. -Or Harry and Draco.

500. Draco Malfoy does not smell almost subliminally of summer peaches.

501. Bungee jumping off the astronomy tower is against the rules, even if it isn't written anywhere.

502. -Changing the location does not make it appropriate.

503. -No matter how much money I make.

504. Murmuring I see dead people every time I see one of the ghosts is stupid and was never funny.

505. I am not funny. No matter how much I make myself laugh.

506. Even though Voldemort does give his followers rings, he is not Captain Planet and none of the Death Eaters have powers in wind, water, earth, fire,or heart!.

507. Calling Lucius Malfoy a luscious mouthful is just plain gross.

508. - It is especially wrong when I call him that around Draco.

509. - Or Narcissa.

510. Yelling"BOO! "at Professor Moody is not wise.

511. I am not allowed to ask any of the Malfoys if it's "true that blondes have more fun"

512. I am not allowed to use the superglue spell to stick Harry and Draco's hands together.

513. When in the presence of the Dark Lord, I must mustn't call him The Dark Lord. Not 'Snake-Face, the Dark Lord Happy Pants'.

514. -Laughing at the Dark Lord's voice is not smart.

515. -Telling the Dark Lord where he can stick it is... not smart.

516. -No matter what I say to the Dark Lord, I will never make him laugh.

517. When surrounded by Death Eaters I will not brandish my wand like a sword and shout "Aye! Avast!"

518. Jumping up on a table during dinner and singing "La Vie Boheme" is more likely to confuse my enemies than chase them out of the Great Hall. Besides, I probably won't have anyone else join in, which takes some of the fun out of it.

519. Attempting to sell your soul to the Dark Lord is forbidden.

520. - So is selling anyone else's soul.

521. Draco Malfoy's name is not Westley, nor the Dread Pirate Roberts, and I should stop referring to him as such.

522. -I must not set a ROUS on him to test this.

523. -Even if he is willing to jump down a hill screaming "Aaas yoooou wiiiiisssshhhh!"

524. I am not allowed to tell the first years that Werewolves are cute and cuddly.

525. -Especially when Lupin is teaching.

526. I am not allowed to scowl at the firsties.

527. -Especially the Hufflepuffs.

528. -Especially in when I am in my Lord Voldemort costume.

529. Saying the Dark Mark should be the Slytherin Crest is wrong.

530. - Especially in front of Slytherins.

531. - Especially in front of Snape.

532. - Double especially in front of Snape during potions.

533. I am not to wear my DEATH EATER AND PROUD OF IT! shirt to school.

534. I am not allowed to declare "Official Hug A Slytherin Day."

535. There is no connection between Hitler and Voldemort.

536. I will not sing "Defying Gravity" during Quidditch practice.

537. I am not allowed to teach "I Feel Pretty" to Professor Lockhart.

538. I am not allowed to sing "Angel of Music" to all the mirrors in school to see if anyone sings back.

539. I am not allowed to say "Shiiire...Baaaagiiiins..." around dementors.

540. I am not allowed to call Dumbledore, "the Great and Powerful Oz" or "Gandalf".

541. I am not allowed "just make sure" that there aren't any hentai vidoes starring the Giant Squid. 542.- I am not allowed to tell first years to be my fact-checkers on the last. 543. I may not write notes to Filch saying " Was wondering if you could sweep up in the dungeon with me, you sexy beast." And sign it "your master, Severus".

544. Especially if you put "p. a first year this time, slave." at the end.

545. I am not allowed to post "I am hot for hippogriffs!" on Hagrid's door.

546. Luna doesn't like it when you place her sneakers on top of doorways, it's not amusing anymore.

*****

Voldemort looked at Lucius incredulously, not believing that the list could possibly be this long.

"I assure you My Lord, this story will indeed have one chapter for every one of these rules. And every one of them will help you into young potters trousers."

"you SWEAR, that if I follow these rules I'll be able to make him mine? I do not tolerate failure!" at this lucius began to fidget uncomfortably.

"actually my lord." He muttered. "there is one more thing." Voldemort looked ready to kill.

"what could possibly be left?!!?" he spouted furiously. Lucius mumbled something illegible under his breath, clearly not wanting to be heard.

"what was that?" the dark lord had indeed heard…and he prayed to himself that he had heard incorrectly.

"well…there is also…the Guide of pureblood Etiquette…written by my son…and also the guide to impeccable snark…by Severus Snape…and also…"

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY MANNOR!!!!" the little Voldy screamed, throwing a particularily large and heavy book at the poor Malfoy. "I EXPECT TO SEE YOU AT HOGWARTS TEACHING US **DADA**! AND PRAY THAT WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT **_"CANARY'S IN A COAL MINE"_ **DOESN'T APPLY TO **YOU**!!!!"

* * *

soooo what do u thiiink?


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